This Might Hurt a Little But It's Something You'll Get Used To

 From the moment I came out of my mother's vagina (hehe, ew, but also WHAT A MIRACLE), I have loved music more than... pretty much more than anything or anyone else. Growing up, I would fantasize endlessly about being on stage in front of a million roaring fans. Their fists beating on the metal chairs of the stadium, their screams echoing throughout the fields (did I mention the concert was outside? Fuck yeah it's outside). I would imagine myself coming out in some seriously bad ass 90s outfit - like an insanely hot metal version of Shakira. I'd have brown leather skin tight pants with rips all over them, a tiny tiny top that just barely covered by tits, I'd have my hair wild and messy and looking like a god damn warrior, and I'd have war paint on me, or sparkles all over me, or some other ridiculous shit that was a combination of bad ass vs. adorable. 

I started playing piano at the ripe old age of THREE. I remember picking it up because I wanted to be just like my big brother, Aaron, who has always been infinitely cooler than me. That dude got all the good genes. He skydives, he scuba dives, he plays instruments, he surfs, he was in the military, he has like 4 horses and a hot girlfriend. I have never felt cool enough to put myself in the same rank as "Aaron cool." I took piano lessons for years, I even had a SUPER old piano teacher at one point who told me that he was the first person in America to wear contact lenses. I think his name was Mr. Roberts. Anyways...

Fast forward to the age of 13, it's early November, and my mom asked me what I wanted for my upcoming birthday. I had ONE thing on that list: an electric guitar. Ok, I had two... an electric guitar and an amp - gotta hear that shit. The guitar changed my life completely. I purposefully aligned myself with other guitarists and musicians in school - though, let's face it, that wasn't hard to do. We were all wearing Doc Martins and metal chains on our pants. Between the ages of 14 and 19, I was in multiple bands - sadly, I was typically the keyboard player. I wanted to be the guitar player, but there was always some white dude who was slightly better than me that would take my place as lead... not that I'm naming anyone specifically - AHEM JOE JACKSON, RUSS CLOPTON (may he rest in peace), CRAIG DILEO, JON MELVIN ... fuck you all... fuckin' white dudes showing me up. It's ok, I'm not bitter. Just kidding - I am. Actually, let me correct that - I'm bitter about all of them but Russ Clopton - that dude DESERVED the lead guitarist spot. Best guitar player in all of South Florida and I am infinitely sad that he's no longer with us - he was a good guy.

The invention of the online playlist was like sliced bread, a breath of fresh air, a fucking ORGASM, to my little teenage musician heart. I remember my very first playlist that I created. I'm pretty sure it had every early 90s Metallica song, every Type-O hit, and every NIN song off of Downward Spiral - and a whole SHITLOAD of Tori Amos. I had a playlist for every situation you could possibly encounter in life. I had one for breakups, one for getting ready to go to school, one for doing homework. I only wish they had cell phones back then so I could have listened to it in the car on the way to work. I was so entrenched in the musical world that I got a job at a guitar shop. It was like a real life version of Empire Records - except the records were guitars - and my boss was a tax evading cocaine addict.

My favorite playlist of all, and (surprisingly) one of the easiest to funnel music into, was the one I associated with sex. I had a playlist for masturbating, I had a playlist for super heavy makeout sessions, and I had a playlist for when I was losing my virginity. I figured that with someone as musically inclined as myself, there was no way in Hell I was losing my virginity without music blaring in the background. Sadly, I was HEAVILY disappointed my first time. It was awful. It was quiet and dark. And it was with someone who was also a virgin and we fumbled around clumsily in the dark bedroom and suddenly it was over and I was sad. Not exactly a great first experience. And also a preview to my sex life throughout my life - disappointing and sorely lacking in orgasms.

I have never NOT had a sex playlist. And, to be honest, I think if it were someone looking at my playlist from the outside - they'd think I was SUPER fucked up. That being said, there are reasons why these songs have been added. Let's evaluate shall we?

Sexy song Numero Uno: Wolf Moon - Type-O Negative

Type-O - oh, my bleeding teenage heart. I loved me some Type-O back in the day. There was nothing sexier than the spooky keyboards and Peter Steele's weirdly deep voice calling me his Druidess. I will be honest, I did not realize what the lyrics of this song meant until ... maybe a year ago? So for my entire teenage life, I thought it was just about a wolf hunting down a chick and eating her. I mean, maybe it was a slight throw to bestiality - but it certainly wasn't, in my mind, the reality of what the song is ACTUALLY about. Let's take a look at some of the lyrics: 

The 28th day
She'll be bleeding again
And in lupine ways
We'll alleviate the pain

Unholy water
Sanguine addiction
Those silver bullets
A last blood benediction

It is her moon time
When there's iron in the air
A rusted essence
Woman may I know you're there

I'm not exactly sure how I could listen to that song and NOT understand that it's about a dude eating a woman out while she's bleeding... but, uh, YEAH. I didn't know. Until recently. Which, let's be honest, made this song even hotter. I'm not hater of the period - I don't even mind when I have it. But I will admit that my body is a real bitch. It KNOWS that I'm "not supposed to" have sex at that time, and I become the horniest most sex ravenous person on the face of the Earth. So, as far as I'm concerned, some dude who is so UNconcerned with blood that he's like "yeah baby, let me put my face between your thighs right now" is a winner in my fuckin' book. Score one for Peter Steele. Not the absolute sexiest song on my playlist of fuckable tunes, but it's one of them.

Sexy Song #2 - WAP - Metal Version - Leo

I love a good metal cover. And this one was only recently added, as the original song came out 4 years ago. Honestly, it needs ZERO explanation. The title alone stands for Wet Ass Pussy. And who doesn't love a wet ass pussy? I know I do. I actually think the lyrics to this song are a little gross at some points - things like "spit in my mouth" are not anything I can kink along with. HOWEVER, I am not trying to yuck someone's yum, I'm just saying that spitting in my mouth is a sure fire way to make my pussy NOT wet. That being said, I think it's the aggressiveness of the lyrics - and the fearlessness. We live in a world where women are taught from an early age that they should be nice, proper, sweet, demure. FUCK THAT SHIT STRAIGHT TO THE GRAVE. This song might not be exactly what I'd picture as an ideal sexual exchange, but the lyrics are brave, they're bold, they're openly sexual, and they're a bad ass tribute to the fact that women are just as sexual and just as vocal about their sexual desires, as men.

Sexy Song #3 - Stinkfist - Tool

I... honestly don't know what I can say about Tool. They may be my favorite band of all time. I have been listening to them since 1996 and they have never gotten old for me. I saw them live in 1998 - at Ozzfest. I remember I went with my boyfriend at the time, David McDaniel. We sat out in the field and I waited ALL FUCKING DAY for Tool to come out. I didn't care so much about any of the other bands, I just wanted to see my Tool. It was hot. This was in July, in South Florida, and it was probably 98 degrees. I remember a lot of people getting heat exhaustion that day. About half way through the day, when I was sunburned and very uncomfortable, I passed by a booth with an artist who was painting peoples' bodies. I thought "how cool would it be if I got a fake tattoo sleeve painted on me," so I asked him for his rates. And he said "well, I can paint your arm for $80... or, if you want, I'll paint your tits for free." Um... what? I thought about it for a second. I was 15 in 1998 - I probably should have stabbed that guy - but you don't think about that when you're 15. I remember looking around and seeing a large amount of women walking around topless with this dudes artwork painted over their chests. And, in that moment, I went "eh, what the Hell?" and I took off my shirt. I'm pretty sure I actually forgot my tank top at his art stand. The air brush tickled like Hell, but the artwork was bad ass AND I felt cooler (temperature wise) because I didn't have to wear a shirt anymore. Fast forward a few hours and it was a bit cooler - it was already dark, and Tool was about to come on. I was planted firmly in one spot on the grassy field and there were SO MANY people smoking copious amounts of weed that I had an amazing contact high going on - and then it happened. Maynard James Keenan walked out - the music started, and he started singing. I was high as fuck, I was topless, and I was in a field of dirt and mud and grass vibing with a bunch of other people to music. It was basically a full hour orgasm from the moment he opened his mouth. I love his voice. The best way I can describe his voice is like sex on butter that's melting down the most delicious meal you've ever eaten and then dripped over the body of some gorgeous Goddess. Stinkfist has been on my "going to fuck to this song" playlist since the Aenima album came out. The lyrics themselves are a bit problematic for me - things like " this might hurt a little but it's something you'll get used to" rings differently to people who have experienced sexual abuse. Not to mention the fact that the actual song is about fisting which like... not my thing. I can't even get a tampon in my shit, let alone a fist. I'd probably have to shank a bitch if they tried to stick their fist in me. But it's never been about the lyrics for me with Tool. Every song is sex. Maynard James Keenan's voice is sex. The bass is sex, and the reverb in their songs is like sex - except it's like sex in a church that has huge hallways and tons of reverb - which makes it exceptionally hotter - because having sex in a church is a taboo topic for most people. And, as far as I'm concerned, there's nothing hotter than having sex in a place you're not supposed to.

Sexy Song # 4 - Lollipop - Framing Hanley

This is another recent addition to my playlist. I had never heard this song until my super awesome lesbian friend, Emily, was playing it at her house when we were hanging out one day. The lyrics are effortlessly hot. But, again, I think it's more the music that gets me. This is one of those songs that I've never had anything even remotely sexual occur while listening to it. But... uh... I want to. I've added it to my playlist in the hopes that somewhere, at some time, somebody will pick me up by my ass and bang me with my back against a wall while Framing Hanley plays loudly in the background. A girl can dream.

Sexy Song #5 - Magdalena - A Perfect Circle

Ok, so this is a bit of compromise. It's not Tool - but it is the lead singer of Tool, so A Perfect Circle still gets extra brownie points in hotness for me. This song, as much as I'm a fan of Maynard Keenan's voice - is all about the lyrics. If we look at it objectively, I'm pretty sure it's a song about a stripper. Which is totally freaking cool - I 100% support the fuck out of sex workers - they are brilliant and I love them. It's more about the worship of the song. I'm not sure if it was Neil Gaiman's introduction of Bilquis in American Gods, that makes my brain associate worship with sex. Honestly, it might have been. I can tell you exactly what page Bilquis first appears in American Gods, and I can tell you almost word for word what her poor, unsuspecting date screams out in prayer as she's literally eating him with her vagina. That was my first introduction to the idea that a body should be worshipped - or can be worshipped. And it was one of the hottest things I have ever read and watched. Now, I'm not saying that someone eating someone else with their lady parts is how I want to go about life (though, whatever, pretty sure that would be fuckin' bad ass) - but being worshipped? Having someone pray to you because you're so fucking hot? Having someone kneel before you like you're a fucking alter? OK - please fucking sign me up for that. Like, now. This song - even though it's clearly about running out of dollars at a strip club, does express (very eloquently) the worshiping of another person's body.

Sexy Song #6 - Lion - Saint Mesa

I saved the best for last. Song number 6 on my list is Lion from Saint Mesa. This song has everything - the actual music is phenomenal - and VERY primal. The vibe of the song is something that I can only describe as tribal. The lyrics? I mean... "you've got fire running down your cheeks, you burn everything you see." It doesn't get sexier than that. Like, yes please. I want to fucking burn everything I see. But I think the thing that does it the most for me is just that point blank animalistic vibe of the song. It really brings out the caveman (or cavewoman... cave person) feel. It's like the song I would hope that the first actually sexy people fucked to. Not like the Austrelopithicus humans - but like the first homosapiens - like the first song they fucked to. Somewhere in a cave, with a fire going, where they were like "oh, this goes here and this feels AMAZING I want to keep doing this." But there was no shame involved and nobody was worried about looking weird or awkward or unsexy.

I have a feeling that I will die having not had sex with all of my favorite "I'm going to fuck SO HARD to this" songs in the background. Which makes me kind of sad, actually. It's really sad that I have never had enough trust in another person to be like "this is what I want to do, and this is the song I want to listen to while we're doing this." But I've just never felt confident, secure, and valued enough to make those requests. So, for now, it'll have to stay as spank bank material.