Friends Are Like Potatoes. When You Eat Them, They Die.

 I've been sitting here staring at the title of this blog - trying to come up with the memories of my very first fantasy.. and, I simply can't. So much of my young years is erased in my mind. I think some of that is due to shame, some of it is due to trauma, and some of it might be due to my own desire to just block the fuck out of everything that happened in life before the age of 27.

I feel like sex and fantasy is kind of a weird spot in my life that I try to keep a specific handle on. My grandmother told me once that I "exude" sex. Which I thought was an odd thing to say. But I am fully aware of how my personality comes off to people, and how I do, in fact, exude sexuality... A LOT. When someone compliments me, it's usually "you're sexy," not "you're beautiful," or "you're pretty." What's deeply hilarious (and very sad at the same time) is that I exude that fierce sexuality and THE SECOND I get into a bedroom and have to get naked, I become a vulnerable kid and I have no fucking clue what to do.

Sadly, I don't think my fantasies HAVE played a role in my sexual life. My fantasies have always revolved around women. If I watch porn, it's femme on femme. If I masturbate, I'm thinking about women. If I draw something when I'm feeling a build up of energy, it's a nude femme. And, sadly, I've only had scattered experiences with women throughout my life. 

What's interesting is that the few times I have had the luxury of being with a woman, I've been too scared to act out any of the things that I've thought about in the comfort of my own bed when I'm with myself. 

The one aspect of my fantasies that I will say has come out in my actual sex life is the concept of relinquishing control. I think part of me is so desperate to maintain control in my life over everything, even the things that I CAN'T control, that it makes sense that I'm the exact opposite when I'm thinking about sex. If I'm on top, I want the other person holding onto my hips so I know what speed to go. Doggy style is one of my favorite positions, and I think it's because really I don't have to do much in the way of taking over. If I do have to take control in any way, I find my anxiety goes up to 11. That being said, since most of the people I've been with are cis men, relinquishing control has always been super easy for me... because most of them want to control the sexual narrative (and every other narrative) anyway.