I Ate My IT Guy and All I Got Was This Lousy T-Shirt

Do you feel shame associated with your sexuality, where does that shame stem from? 

I remember once, at band camp. Just kidding.

But in all seriousness, I do remember once, while perusing Instagram, that a guy I used to work with who shall remain anonymous (AHEM - DUKE FUCKING STEPHENSON), posted a picture of a chart of Arby's roast beef in different positions that looked like multiple vaginas in different stages of vagina-dom. And I remember thinking that it looked SO GROSS. And then I remember hating myself for thinking that. 

I also remember watching endless amounts of porn and wondering why on Earth everyone's vagina looked like it belonged on a 12 year old. No hair, no outer ANYTHING. Everything was all tucked inside and different than what I was used to seeing. 

I think there's such shame surrounding anything related to AFAB people. Our breasts are never small enough, or big enough, or perky enough, or really enough in general. Our thighs are either too thick, or not thick enough, Our feet are either too large, or our toes are too long, or our toenails aren't professionally painted. And the list goes on.

My feelings toward my sexuality are the same as my feelings toward my body and sex in general. I just don't feel "right" about either one. I came out as being bi when I was 15, at a time where it was not ok to be anything other than straight. Unless you were behind closed doors, then every teenage boy (and typically ever straight cis dude) wanted to watch. Being bisexual was not a great experience for me when I was a teenager. Most of what I experienced was done through the filter of the male gaze, which made it infinitely LESS enjoyable and infinitely  MORE pressure to perform. I never got the comfort of just being with someone who was possibly a lot more like me than any of the cis dudes I had dated.

But what's crazy is the shame I give MYSELF. More disturbing than the shame I received growing up from other people about not being straight, is the shame I give myself about not being queer ENOUGH. I recently separated from my marriage, and all I've wanted to do since separating is get used to being alone... and get laid.

Part of me wants to be like "Hell Yeah! I'm single now for the first time in TWO DECADES, I'M GONNA SCREW SO MANY HAWT LEHDIEZ!!!!" And the other part of me, the more immediate part, just wants.... a whole lot of dick.

I don't know if it's because I would like an actual relationship with a woman, and so I'm holding out for that for when I'm actually READY for another relationship... or if it's just that my preference right now is to bone all the dicks in the tri-state area - but either way, the desire to bone a chick is just... NOT THERE. And I have given myself so much shame for that.

If you had told 15 year old queer me that 41 year old queer me would feel shame for not being queer ENOUGH, she'd be shocked.